thank u, india...

i just wanted to share what i wrote in my (trading) diary right after coming back from narita that night. it goes like this:


i went on vacation after long long time with my daughter alone.

i brought my trading log (diary), but didnt even open a page there.
instead, the very thing i have found and brought back home was my goal in life. and my priority in life.

i found out what i value the most. => that was my family (r and r).

and i also found out what was blurring the value. => that was the judgement of others to me.

the reason i kept screaming and yelling at the airport security check on the way back, and the reason i ended up crying so hard, were not because of that cheap water bottle.

that was because my integerity and dignity, which r has tried so hard to teach me their importance since the day we started daing back in 1996, were violated.

in the moment i was about to let the whole thing go at the airport, his image clearly came to my mind.
at that moment, i decided to fight for them.

and when i told him about this in a cab on the way back from shinjuku, he said, "i am very proud of you." and while listening to that, i couldnt stop cring. and he kept on saying, "what was important was not whether you won or not."


on the airplane from guam, the audio program happened to play all the songs from mamma mia. and the moment the song, "the winner takes it all," started to play, i couldnt stop crying even though my daughter was right next to me. it was like a reflex.

i remembered the musical i watched with him in vegas in february, 2004. it seemed long long time ago, even though it was only 5 years ago.

but the reason i am so lucky is the fact that i can still change the way i live at this moment. the other day, he told me that what had happend in june this year was just all drama.

and i could not reply at all because that was true if i think about it now.

but what i can do now is to realize my mistakes, correct them, and show him by my action. i dont care what will happen in the end, negative or positive, because the outcome has nothing to do with my integrity...